he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
