i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
