Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
