my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
