the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
this hospital has no fireball
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
