We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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