I wish I could punch you in the face.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize