Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
