I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Randomize
