i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
All the doctor said was why
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
