I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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