I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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