I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My balls are so social today.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
sex in a hospital.. check
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
