Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
