dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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