I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
