you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
