I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize