Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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