i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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