Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
