Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize