I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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