Where is the hickey?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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