I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize