i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
