dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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