He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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