the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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