i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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