i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
