My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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