Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
COCAINE IS GR8
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
