He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
