You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
