im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
