She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
