1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just gift wrapped bread.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
