I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
