You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
