my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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