Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
