Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
