You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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