I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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