the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
