I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
