i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
