the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
