i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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