I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
