i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
