FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
