youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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