i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
