i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
