did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
