ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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