I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
