You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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