I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
how does that bad decision feel?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
